During our little New Year’s Eve dinner at our house, a friend asked everyone to sum up 2014 in a few words. I honestly can’t remember all of my words, so I’ll just come up with new ones here: family, transitions, good food, and struggles.
In 2014, I’ve gotten to spend more time with my family than ever before, for which I am so thankful. I’ve fallen in love with cooking and baking new things, and grown to enjoy sharing that with people. It was a year of huge transitions, a cross-country adventure, and adjusting to a new city and for husband, a new job. And man, have I struggled with God this year! The big struggles this year were our miscarriage and my future. And this holiday season especially has been tainted with underlying anger, anxiety, and frustration despite the many, many things to enjoy and be thankful for.
Anger that this residency application process has not been straightforward and that husband and I will have big decisions to make in the upcoming months. Anxiety about constantly feeling like we’re transitioning and not having even a clue of where we will be in 6 months. Frustration that there is constantly something going on with my eyes – if it’s not having to go to the ER because my eye turned red and started swelling up, it’s that my pressures aren’t that great, and I might need yet another procedure next year since I’m approaching maximum medications again.
So this is where I am right now. It’s a strange place to be in, because there is silliness and laughter, wonderful people, and yummy food, but also fear, uncertainty and anger…all at the same time. Even so, I am immensely grateful that God is here with me in this place that is definitely not shiny and put-together and full of smiles. And when I just can’t see how things will work out, I’m so beyond thankful for friends and family who demonstrate God’s love, tell stories of His faithfulness, and pray words of encouragement over me.
I guess I can have hope for this New Year, and maybe even feel excited about (rather than afraid of) what 2015 will bring.
Happy New Year!
And also, happy birthday to my mom! 🙂